One of the greatest joys in life is finding another human being you can
enjoy day-in and day-out; 24/7/365. Someone whose opinion you respect
and feelings you vow to protect. A person with whom you can laugh,
joke, poke, and molest without incident. Who has similar interests,
world views, and beliefs (political, social, spiritual, otherwise) and
can carry on a conversation without resorting to dirty linguistic
tricks to win an argument or defeat another point-of-view. And who
likes spending time with your family and friends, and is soon
considered to be a family-member or friend of the friends.
My wife, Shana Lynn Meaney Ruess, is just such a person. For me.
My wife, Shana Lynn Meaney Ruess, is just such a person. For me.
I feel that most of the major American media providers claim that
relationships, and marriages by extension, are something of a fading
fad. They worked for a while and will not be able to sustain themselves
in the future. Hook-ups and immediate sexual or emotional gratification
are the new black. The proof: there are more divorces than ever, and
marriages are lasting shorter than ever. And just by saying it enough
times they begin to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have not seen any true relationship studies in completed in my lifetime, which makes me question the validity of such claims. How can there be such common knowledge of the death of marriage and relationships when there are true facts to consider: there are more people than ever, there is more travel and migration than ever, and there is less religion than ever.
For a long time, marriage was the function of the church. It was considered a holy union a man and a woman entered into to commune with the gods and each other. There were proper rules and functions of this relationship, never to be broken because it could lead to sinful activities and broken promises. And the church might lose control of the flock.
Why do so many still consider a marriage such a holy union? Can it not just be another level of relationship commitment? I think that mine is just such a thing. Shana and I want to spend our lives together because we equally feel we complete each other; we feel better together than apart. And we both acknowledge that even while the above is true, it is a connection that we experience because of our biology and symmetry. We do not have any institutions involved in our marriage save the State, simply because there are social and financial benefits to do so.
And because of that fact I think we are more willing to make the effort. I feel that so many marriages are of convenience or from the perpetuity of the relationship or from a spiritual origin. Relationships forged in those ideals or situations are probably less likely to emit an effort to achieve strength and union from both parties involved. If one believes it is God's will or, "I don't really love her/him/it," there will be less of an effort to sustain and grow the marriage. And thus it fails.
Cohabitation is probably the other great success factor. We have lived together, essentially for thirty-odd months prior to our wedding. We got into a groove, learned so much about each other, and found out if we were truly compatible before ever asking for her hand in marriage. It just seemed to make sense to us, probably because we did not have external pressures (family) and beliefs (religion) preventing such an experiment.
Example: Would you personally go to a car dealership looking for a new car, walk around and touch a couple of models on-site, settle on a seeming attractive car in the show room, spend a while alone with it, go and sign the papers for purchase, and *then* get in it to drive it home? Would you not want to see if the most important part, the interior, the part you are in *direct contact* with day-in and day-out, meshed well with what you like?
Tangent: Sorry for comparing you to a motor vehicle baby. =)
I would love to see a study done into the success of marriages composed of people like us: atheist (me) and agnostic (her), logical, liberal, digerati, successful. The failing relationships we see all the time are from opposite situations (empirical evidence): spiritual/religious, conservative/moderate, moderately- or somewhat-unsuccessful. I would hazard a guess that people like us are more likely to have successful relationships that people like that.
Lots of people in the past year have given me the odd-handed remark, "marriage takes lots of work." And the sad part is that some of those people live in broken marriages or are divorcees. I thanked them for their words (however hallow) and prayers (cringing inside), but have continually thought, "duh?" Why would life-long relationships not take work and effort? Unless you are marrying a clone of yourself that has been exposed to the exact same environmental stresses and conditions that you have throughout life, there are bound to be disagreements and arguments. And one needs to be wary of unflinching positions if they are to succeed in keeping a spouse. Firm positions are wonderful for ideological beliefs and what-if scenarios... but they lead to broken homes in the physical world that we inhabit.
Tangent: Dudeskissingotherdudes is *not* a fast approaching crisis bent on devaluing or destroying your holy union. And if you honestly believe so, do not ever go down into the basement if your son is down there with the pool-boy, "working out together." You will be appalled. And small minded.
I have not seen any true relationship studies in completed in my lifetime, which makes me question the validity of such claims. How can there be such common knowledge of the death of marriage and relationships when there are true facts to consider: there are more people than ever, there is more travel and migration than ever, and there is less religion than ever.
For a long time, marriage was the function of the church. It was considered a holy union a man and a woman entered into to commune with the gods and each other. There were proper rules and functions of this relationship, never to be broken because it could lead to sinful activities and broken promises. And the church might lose control of the flock.
Why do so many still consider a marriage such a holy union? Can it not just be another level of relationship commitment? I think that mine is just such a thing. Shana and I want to spend our lives together because we equally feel we complete each other; we feel better together than apart. And we both acknowledge that even while the above is true, it is a connection that we experience because of our biology and symmetry. We do not have any institutions involved in our marriage save the State, simply because there are social and financial benefits to do so.
And because of that fact I think we are more willing to make the effort. I feel that so many marriages are of convenience or from the perpetuity of the relationship or from a spiritual origin. Relationships forged in those ideals or situations are probably less likely to emit an effort to achieve strength and union from both parties involved. If one believes it is God's will or, "I don't really love her/him/it," there will be less of an effort to sustain and grow the marriage. And thus it fails.
Cohabitation is probably the other great success factor. We have lived together, essentially for thirty-odd months prior to our wedding. We got into a groove, learned so much about each other, and found out if we were truly compatible before ever asking for her hand in marriage. It just seemed to make sense to us, probably because we did not have external pressures (family) and beliefs (religion) preventing such an experiment.
Example: Would you personally go to a car dealership looking for a new car, walk around and touch a couple of models on-site, settle on a seeming attractive car in the show room, spend a while alone with it, go and sign the papers for purchase, and *then* get in it to drive it home? Would you not want to see if the most important part, the interior, the part you are in *direct contact* with day-in and day-out, meshed well with what you like?
Tangent: Sorry for comparing you to a motor vehicle baby. =)
I would love to see a study done into the success of marriages composed of people like us: atheist (me) and agnostic (her), logical, liberal, digerati, successful. The failing relationships we see all the time are from opposite situations (empirical evidence): spiritual/religious, conservative/moderate, moderately- or somewhat-unsuccessful. I would hazard a guess that people like us are more likely to have successful relationships that people like that.
Lots of people in the past year have given me the odd-handed remark, "marriage takes lots of work." And the sad part is that some of those people live in broken marriages or are divorcees. I thanked them for their words (however hallow) and prayers (cringing inside), but have continually thought, "duh?" Why would life-long relationships not take work and effort? Unless you are marrying a clone of yourself that has been exposed to the exact same environmental stresses and conditions that you have throughout life, there are bound to be disagreements and arguments. And one needs to be wary of unflinching positions if they are to succeed in keeping a spouse. Firm positions are wonderful for ideological beliefs and what-if scenarios... but they lead to broken homes in the physical world that we inhabit.
Tangent: Dudeskissingotherdudes is *not* a fast approaching crisis bent on devaluing or destroying your holy union. And if you honestly believe so, do not ever go down into the basement if your son is down there with the pool-boy, "working out together." You will be appalled. And small minded.
